NHL 16 – Go Puck Yourself

hockey nhl16 ea sports game review xbox

Hockey is man’s highest calling

NHL 16 Xbox One

Game Review

Today guys and girls we’re here to discuss NHL 16, the newest installment of EA sports’s annual NHL series. I’m happy to report that, overall,  the game is a return to form, after the disastrous NHL 15 . No more classic game modes like EASHL stripped,and replaced with Hockey Ultimate Team.  NHL 16 is fun, and the controls work well, so let’s get into the meat of the game.

There Is Much Hockey

The game looks absolutely incredible, from the reflections on fresh ice to the jerseys flowing as you skate, its a beautiful constructed game, much like NHL 15, only this time the great look of the game has functionality to go along with it, it truly does create the perfect atmosphere, with the great look, the roaring fans and even mascots for hype purposes the game truly creates a potent desire to be competitive and to create spectacular plays. One are the game could improve is the fans, any of us who have been to a hockey game knows that fans react in certain ways to certain situations, elevating their cheers when a solid play creates a big chance, and sounds of disappointment when on that chance the puck sails wide or the opposing goaltender makes an incredible save, fan reactions need to be shown and heard to give weight to the proceedings on the ice. I was sad to hear that this game had very few changes from NHL 15 in the commentating department, just Eddie Olczyk and Doc Emrick saying the same shit they said in NHL 15.

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Dangle, Drag, and Deke

Now on to the gameplay itself, the game works extremely well in my opinion, passing is crisp and often works, unlike NHL 15 where it seems pucks would often miss the mark for no reason, or just sail past the player you were trying to feed, in 16 you can actually defend the dreaded cross crease pass, where as in NHL 15 it was very difficult because often if you parked a player in-between the two offensive players on either side of the goaltender the pass would go right through and boom, goal horn, unfortunately the cross crease pass, if completed is still a trump card that goes in almost every time and is way, way overused, and immensely frustrating.  Unfortunately, EA Sports is a still a company that loves highlight reel hockey and caters the game to those who love to deke and dangle their way across the ice and through defensemen and sadly EA creates NHL games that reward the flashy players over those that play responsible hockey, hey EA, there’s a reason that when players dangle, toe drag and deke their way to a goal in the real NHL its so special and needs to be replayed over and over again, because it doesn’t work anywhere even half as often as it happens in your games.

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Y’All Are Babies

Sadly, there is one fatal flaw in NHL 16, and in all NHL games, that really hold them back from being great. It’s something EA will NEVER be able to fix and that is, the people who play them.

The people who play NHL games online are some of the biggest fuck faces i’ve encountered in my entire life. I know, I know. You meet douchebags in every game.  True. NHL games are full of them, people who seem to believe that they can’t lose and always deserve a win, to the extent that the majority will just rage quit when losing, I have a personal policy that I NEVER rage quit, ever, I’ve played sports, I still play sports, I come from a family of people who play sports, and I understand that in real sports you can never walk off the field just because you’re losing, it’s pathetic, I wouldn’t be able to have self respect if I walked off because I’m losing, this behavior is the product of spoiled American kids who get a trophy just for showing up and who’s parents spew bullshit like “everyone’s a winner”, no, not everyone’s a winner, people lose frequently, this creates a generation of people who now believe that they are entitled to the win and can’t accept even the possibility of losing. Seriously though, I’ve never been called so many shitty names before in my life, every time I log in and sit down for a game I prepare to basically get abused, in one week of online play I was referred to as a pussy, f***ot, n***er and a slew of other words simply for beating somebody, one guy even called me a pussy for not turning my mic on, “turn your mic on pussy, you’re a f***ot man, you’re a fucking f***ot”, I’m not the one who’s trying to talk to anonymous men on the internet buddy. Seriously though, I can’t stress enough how moronic most of the people who play this game are, unsportsmanlike conduct for all of them.

rangers salute

Mighty Dale Rules

in conclusion, if you’re a hockey fan this is definitely a game you need in your collection, everything works better than NHL 15, it looks really good and plays excellently, a few hiccups aside, its a good game and you’ll have a lot of fun playing it, just plug in, sit down, make plays and lighten the fuck up, Kirk out.

Red Dead Rumors: What’s Going On?

red dead redemption 2 rockstar games rumors

It’s Not Red Dead 2.

Red Dead Ridiculous

We’ve all heard them, the rumors of a sequel to the critically lauded Red Dead Redemption. Don’t say Red Dead 2!  Red Dead Revolver was number 1, Red Dead Redemption was number 2, so the next one will be number 3.  Details matter.

ZOMG! Like, Did You Hear?

With so many rumors being flailed around like so much monkey shit, I thought it was only appropriate to talk about a few of them. The RDR sequel has not officially been announced yet, but it was supposed to have been at E3, and then at Gamescom. Now,  E3 and Gamescom have come and gone, and I’m beginning to feel a little antsy and frustrated. Even worried. No one misses deadlines because things are going great.

Rockstar has been mind numbingly cagey about the game, so lets go over some of the (mostly idiotic) internet and fan theories surrounding the plot of this highly anticipated game.  Beware. It is quite possible that Rockstar screwed the pooch on this, and it’s gonna suck.

From Western to Western Front?

The first of these rumors says that RD3 will continue the story of the Marston family, picking up where RDR left off. It will feature the annoying, puberty-voiced, Jack Marston.  Now I’ve read tons of rumors about how awesome it would be to pick up as Jack Marston, entering WWI and fighting. NO.  This is a horrible idea!, RDR made it’s bones as a WESTERN game, and the best western game on the market. Why change that for a WWI themed story? You don’t dilute your brand like that!

Do people seriously want to replace the beautiful Western setting with war torn Europe?!?!?! if that’s what you want, kiddo’s, I suggest you send letters to Sledgehammer and request more Call of Duty games.

Some have defended the idea by saying that only the beginning of the game would take place during the war and Jack would then return to the Marston ranch, and then the Western would begin. Bullshit, WWI ends in 1918. By the time Jack returns home the West will be tamed. Let’s not allow Red Dead to slip into COD territory; going further into the future each installmen,t until we barely recognize the brand we once loved.

No to the above asshole

The second rumor is even more idiotic. Not long ago an anonymous Rockstar developer, aptly named AnonDN1978, decided his boss was a prick, and decided to leak information on the RDR sequel. This anonymous developer stated that the sequel would be named “Red Dead Redemption 2: Legends of The West”, and would feature younger versions of the moronic Irish and insane Seth.

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It’s Stereotypeman!

Seth would be a banker in Kansas City and Irish is well, an Irish immigrant. I may have a better name for this game “Red Dead Ridiculous.” What do you think?

seth red dead redemption games

Gamers, your hero.

Who thought it was a good idea to build a game around the guy who accidentally shoots himself in the face on the toilet after the events of RDR? That’s like making Pulp Fiction 2: Marvin’s Tale.

If It Ain’t Broke

What makes even less sense is the idea that Rockstar would use the same location (New Austen).  The West was a big place with a lot of stories, Rockstar doesn’t need to rehash old locations, and characters.especially They’ve built a reputation on doing the exact opposite.

One of the many things that made RDR spectacular was the feeling that you were actually in the West, discovering the land, watching the sunsets, riding your horse from location to location, encountering strangers who could be either friend or foe, Rockstar, give us this thrill again. Discovery was what the frontier was about, gamers. Don’t accept a rehash of places and names we already know. It’s only a rumor, but it’s still bullshit.

Shogunslinger

Lastly, the rumor that the next Red Dead would take place in………….Japan. What the actual fuck? JAPAN?!?!?!?!?

Sergio Leone’s classic spaghetti westerns starring were based on Yojimbo, Akira Kurosawa’s masterpiece, but that’s no reason to tie Japan to the Red Dead franchise. There’s a reason there’s not a GTA:Coruscant.

The Western has been criminally underused in the gaming world. It’s a great setting full of adventure, and brutality, where any man or woman can be as good, or bad, as they want to be.  The Japan trope? Samurais? Overused.

What Say You, Mighty Dale?

Alright now that I’m done criticizing everybody else I’ll give you what I personally think would work in a sequel. The setting needs to change, just like the GTA games. We can return to New Austen in the future but not right away. The sequel could utilize places like Wyoming, Montana, Texas and the Dakotas. They’re all beautiful places with a lot of character and history.

There also needs to be a system to make money and things to spend that money on. A great way to do this would be ranches. The player can make money either by legal means, or robbing trains and banks. He can then buy a small parcel of land, build a ranch and as that ranch begins generating revenue, the player can expand their land, buy more stock, and make improvements to generate more revenue. Hell, you can even go on cattle and horse drives if you want. You can also spend your hard earned coin on guns, saddles, holsters, and whatever else your cowboy requires. This would create an in depth experience where what you do actually matters.

Another huge selling point for a sequel would be in depth customization. I’m not talking RPG levels of customization, but the player should definitely be able to change things like the characters hair and clothes, and most importantly things like their  hat and boots. These are the most important things for every cowboy. Different styles and colors of hats and boots would go a long way in making your character feel yours.

The players guns and holsters also need to be customizable. When you watch as many westerns as I do you learn that people carried their guns in different ways. Some carry their pistol straight draw, some cross draw, some carry two guns, others just one. These things are important in giving a character a personality, and style all their own.

For the RDR sequel to work, the story needs to be just as beautiful, and in depth, as the first one. It is my favorite game of all time for this very reason. Any game that leaves the player wide eyed, jaw on the floor, feeling all the feels is a A+ perfect game.

A sequel, in my humble opinion, needs to go back in time, to the heyday of the old West. The 1870’s or 80’s would be an amazing setting. The map needs to be ENORMOUS  (GTA V or bigger), and for the love of all things holy please include more Native Americans, both aggressive and friendly. While riding the map on his trusty steed the player should run the risk of meeting bandits, gangs and Native American raiders. Indigenous people were very very underused in RDR.

So Rockstar, please please give us  some kind of official announcement soon. It’s time. GTA is great, but lots of people still prefer RDR. Just look at the fact that despite coming out in 2010, a player will still find an active community playing multiplayer,  even though your multiplayer is absolutely broken and you guys don’t seem to give a shit to fix it.

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what I want to do to whoever is in charge of RDR multiplayer

The loyal fans need a sequel, Rockstar. Let us have it. You haven’t let us down before. Please do justice to this great game.

Dale Refuses Mark’s Sage Wisdom

funny texts humor lol chaturbate

He was wise to ignore Mark’s grandmotherly kindness.

Mighty Dale knew that his friend Mark was giving him bad advice. This was another of Mark’s clever tests, to evaluate mighty Dale’s progress on the Road To Perfect Wisdom, and Creperie. … … I want crepes.

I Do Not Fear The Walking Dead

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Don’t Fear The Reaper

Alright guys, let’s discuss AMC’s Fear the Walking Dead. It’s amazing to me that AMC has somehow managed to squeeze more juice out of the Walking Dead franchise, what with the show itself. Talking Dead and numerous video games I figured that this franchise had been squeezed dry, I was wrong. Fear is a prequel to The Walking Dead featuring less interesting people, a less interesting location and annoying kids. Despite the fact that the premise is interesting enough and many people would like to see how the zombie apocalypse began this show just doesn’t have any life to it.

The two leads are relatable enough. Kim Dickens as Madison, and Cliff Curtis as Travis are fine actors, but the characters are forgettable. So is the show. It’s so forgettable that I had to look up their character names on Wikipedia.

This show makes for decent Sunday night television, but pales in comparison to other AMC properties like Hell on Wheels and The Walking Dead. What is it with AMC and really really annoying kids? Between Carl in Walking Dead,  and the kids in Fear, the apocalypse may just be a blessing.

Think Of The Children

There are three kids in Fear.  Nick, Madison’s son, who is a college dropout and junkie because of course he is.  Alicia, Madison’s model student daughter who also proves herself to be a snooty, snarky, eye rolling little twat, who’s only interesting quality is that they stuck her in an interracial relationship. GASP! Nice try AMC, and last, least and everything else in between, Travis’s son Christopher, Christopher naturally resents his dad because ya know, that’s what TV/movie kids do.

Location Location Location

One of the biggest issues with this show is simply the location.  Los Angeles is as sterile and devoid of life as an abortion clinic, and it’s OVERDONE. People should be banned from making films and shows that take place in LA. That place has zero personality. it’s like God held the US by the East Coast, gave it a good shake and all the people who aren’t self absorbed assholes managed to hang on.

Think about it.  Entourage, garbage. I don’t care what you say, Entourage was garbage. True Detective season 2, garbage.  Now this, not quite garbage, but would have been much much better with a better location.

Guys, I ain’t telling you not to watch Fear, if you love The Walking Dead you might want to try it, but if not, you might want to skip this one, after all, Rick and Morty is on on Sunday night too and you wouldn’t want to miss that

……….would you?

Would You???

Would You???