Mighty Dale Ventures South

ten kinds of alcohol

Yes, ladies, he’s single.

Dale Braves Florida

AKA Purgatory

Our beloved Dale has been in Florida for the Thanksgiving holidays, which is reasonable, since his family is from Alberta, Canada. I do not understand the ways of our neighbors to the north. I do know they’re all born with tails.

We kept in touch, Dale and I, as we are wont to do, and during his time in the Wilderness, he was cajoled into drinking an old lady chinese restaurant foo foo drink.

Why? Well it’s made with 10 kinds of alcohol, and served in a tiki cup that holds 4oz, comes with an umbrella. Mighty Dale succumbed to peer pressure and drank this hideous concoction. He also ate the famous Florida Lasagna, twice.

Here is the tale in his own words. Pray for him.

florida vacation drinking

mighty dale

The paper umbrella means it’s classy.

IMG_2841

Dale will return to Gotham tomorrow (Monday), and then he’ll get busy on his next blog post…whatever that will be.

Tonight is the Walking Dead mid-season finale. So we will not know if Carl survives, Glenn makes it back and/or reunites with Maggie, if Alexandria survives, if the Wolves attack, if Father Gabriel likes calamari, if the lesbian doctor gets some more, if Carol carols with Carl… it will be a huge nail biting hour of frustration. See you then. ūüôā

Advertisements

Glenn Lives! Everyone Else Is Screwed

walking dead glenn steven yen

Sorry to put you through all that emotional turmoil.

HA HA GLENN. REAL FUNNY

I’m glad Glenn is alive. Really. ¬†However the fucking wall breach right on the heels of the balloons is just too fucking soap opera. So… Scott Gimple, show runner for Walking Dead… this is just for you, buddy.

Dear Scott Gimple

Drunk Geography with Jessica Jones

10-because-alcohol

Horseshoes and Hand Grenades

Like many,¬† I’ve been barreling my way through Netflix’s Jessica Jones, and as great as it is, one thing irks me like nobody’s ¬†business. ¬†The blatant disregard for the New York City grid system must stop!

We Live In A World With Rules

I live in the neighborhood where the show was filmed,¬†and I’ve been here for a long time. I know all the locations like the back of my hand, and can frequently be found hanging out in these places.

They filmed in NYC’s East Village and Alphabet City, but the show constantly changes the signs to appear to be set in a different albeit less gritty and cool location, and¬†I’m keeping an eye on it all, and posting them in this new series, Drunk Geography with Jessica Jones.

I tried being a good citizen and reporting the errors to Jessica on twitter, only to be rebuffed. Me! Mighty Dale!!!

Screen Shot 2015-11-22 at 1.53.11 PM

 

 

Screen Shot 2015-11-22 at 1.50.29 PM

The next example is, my local grocery store, which is located on………………

IMG_7430

This is actually 4th Street and Avenue A, Alphabet city, definitely not 56th Street

Jessica go home, you’re still drunk, and probably confusing the shit out of tourists.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Rise of the Tomb Raider – Dale’s Review

video-game-review-tomb-raider-lara-croft-xbox

Lara Croft Delivers Again

Dale’s Review

As the credits roll all one can do is sit in pure bliss and watch.¬†This is the feeling at the end of Rise of the Tomb Raider. We have posted updates during gameplay, but now I’m done and ready to review.

When buying this game it came down to a choice¬†between Fallout 4, and this, and in the end I’m glad I made the decision that I did. ¬†Rise of the Tomb Raider is spectacular in every way.¬†¬†Despite the fact that I still have to get to Fallout 4 and Star Wars Battlefront, this is the best game I’ve played all year hands down. So let’s get into it.

Square Enix Hit It Out Of The Park

This game is just wonderful. ¬†it contains all the components¬†necessary in a great adventure game; spectacular location, high stakes, a challenging enemy, a mystery and more. The game is especially potent for those of us who grew up idolizing Indiana Jones.¬†If a game company would take everything about this game and slap Indy in it, you’d have a home run Indiana Jones game,but Lara Croft fills the position ably.¬† This game is basically an Indiana Jones movie in game form, with everything from booby traps to crumbling floors, to ancient relics, are here and it’s all at your fingertips……….literally.

The most exciting, and beautiful, moments in the game are when you’re exploring ancient tombs, and buried cities. There’s a breathtaking Byzantine ship buried in ice that’s totally worth the side quest to experience.

tumblr_mavlwksj0z1qady5mo1_r2_500

whenever you are asked why you seek the divine source, this is what you’ll say, in your head…….most of you, ok I said it out loud

The Plot

I don’t think I have to explain who Lara Croft is. If you ¬†need it explained please step to the left and prepare for execution. So, we catch up with Lara one year after the events of the first Tomb Raider, trekking up a mountain in Siberia, looking for something called the Divine Source. You have been discredited by a shadowy organization called Trinity (aka ¬†The Ancient Order of Dicks), who also have some connection to Lara’s deceased father (whom they also discredited). Lara has inadvertently led Trinity to the Siberian mountains and the ancient city of Kitezh. If you know your history and mythology, which I do (I looked it up) it’s¬†actually a legendary lost city in central Russia. That adds a whole layer of mystery to the game and actually connects it to the past.

Graphics

So let’s move on to what really pops in this game, the visuals. The landscape is INCREDIBLE. ¬†Everything from the peaks of icy mountains to the low valleys surrounded by enormous mountains, to the lost cities and tombs themselves, everything is big and awe inspiring.

This game truly excels when it comes to the mountains. I come from a place near the rockies, and love going to the mountains. One thing that anybody who’s seen the real big mountains knows is that mountains are enormous, and awe inspiring¬†¬†in person. This where the game triumphs, the mountains are huge and looming, and they certainly do the trick of making you feel small.

The underground tombs and lost cities are nothing short of incredible. Decayed and ruined by time but beautiful in their own right, but the truly great thing¬†is that these places are able to be explored. You aren’t bogged ¬†down by linear gameplay or lack of shit to do. Just run around, explore tombs, find cities and be your best Lara Croft.

video game blog tomb raider

The snowy peaks of Siberia

lara croft xbox one review

One of the many tombs just waiting to be explored

Mechanics

This all brings us¬†to the big question, how does the game play? ¬†I enjoyed the game mechanics. The jumping was on point, no button delay at all. One thing that¬†bothered me was the fact that reload is X/Square, and melee is Y/Triangle. This was sort of awkward and difficult to get used to, considering that in most games reload or melee is X/Square, and Y/Triangle is to switch weapons, but you’ll get used to that quickly. Other than that the game mechanics are wonderful, you won’t have any problems once you get used to it.

The Icing On The Cake

Let’s get into what really brought this game home for me. There was a real sense of danger in things like crumbling floors with spikes beneath, avalanches, finding your way out of underwater caverns before you drown, etc. Stuff like that makes for an exciting experience. Running full tilt through an ancient building as it crumbles around you, is thrilling every time especially when you get to the end of the building. That’s where you realize, you have to jump, and hope you survive all the way to the other side where youa use your axe to latch onto something to grab. Will you make it? You won’t know until you jump.

rise-of-the-tomb-raider-avalanche

Oh………..shit, you have to outrun this (click image to see avalanche video clip

In Conclusion

Ok, so let’s wrap this up, guys and girls. The final verdict is that this game is absolutely wonderful, a thrill, and a pleasure to play. Don’t wait, pick it up now. Get it in your collection. Any game that makes you feel accomplished at the end is a great game, and this is absolutely a great game. As Richard Croft put it, ¬†“Greatness is in what we do, not in who we are.” So get out there ¬†and do something great, adventurers.

 

Tomb Raider Update: There Is No Candy

Lara Croft: Rise Of The Tomb Raider

Midgame Update

video game reviews humorous

IMG_2803

IMG_2804

Sometimes I Drive Dale Mad.

The Candy Is A Lie

Dale and I are chums, and as good chums do, Dale and I text often. In this case Dale was playing the new Tomb Raider, about which we have already written.

Dale is understandably wary of descending into a cave because as he wrote, the mercenaries that preceded him are getting massacred. Being a supportive friend, I postulate that perhaps there is candy in the cave.

It gives him the incentive to carry on and sally forth to his certain doom sure delight. Then, because I am sometimes a dick, I just run with the whole candy thing. Why? Because the all caps rage induced outburst that follows made me laugh.

In any case this shall serve as a placeholder until mighty Dale finishes the game and can pronounce his judgement for one and all, to hear and obey.

The Story of David Morse: Shithead Drummer

My friend Adam told me this story, about fifteen minutes ago. Legal marijuana was involved. I typed it up on my phone, as he was speaking. It’s gold.

In the three months I was kinda in a band, we were playing in the garage and Danny Morse, our shithead drummer, gets up from his kit, to go to the bathroom.

He comes back holding a stack of coffee filters, in one hand, out in front of him.
He said, “I shit in this. Let’s go rub it on a pay phone.”

So we drive to the nearest Payphone, which was like fifteen miles away (this is in rural Oregon, Willamette Valley). We’re all in this 1960’s Dodge van, with this fresh turd, and we get to the Plaid Pantry, and he just picks up the handset and just smooshes it in the shit, and hangs it back up.

He was holding it exactly like this.

He was holding it exactly like this.

Rise Of The Tomb Raider – Day One First Glance


texts mark and dale lara croft tomb raider new release video game first look rise of the tomb raider

The New Lara Croft

vs The Ancient Order Of Dicks

This game is excellent. Dale will do his usual thorough write up once he finishes, but this is a good sense of how it felt upon first taste.

The links below have some game footage that is just beautiful. Again, this isn’t the review, just the first impressions.

A Watery Grave Narrowly Avoided

https://account.xbox.com/en-US/gameclip/bbb433ec-28b0-42c7-813d-eaba6d7b9ae7?gamertag=robochrist2000&scid=80f60100-215b-4f08-8c68-2b353e5e3f4b

Mountains. Ice. Awesomeness

https://account.xbox.com/en-US/gameclip/b0579fc3-cf4a-4f90-8d01-8df5899e7bb9?gamertag=robochrist2000&scid=80f60100-215b-4f08-8c68-2b353e5e3f4b

AVALANCHE

https://account.xbox.com/en-US/gameclip/b0579fc3-cf4a-4f90-8d01-8df5899e7bb9?gamertag=robochrist2000&scid=80f60100-215b-4f08-8c68-2b353e5e3f4b

It’s like playing an Indiana Jones movie. It’s that good.