First Look At Assassin’s Creed: Syndicate

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Victorian London From Atop Big Ben Assassins Creed Syndicate

If you click the monsters will get you

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Assassin’s Creed: Syndicate For The Xbox One

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A Look At 19th Century London From Atop Big Ben

Dale is just messing around with the first play of Assassin’s Creed: Syndicate, on his Xbox 1, and he sent me this video. along with the following text.

texts video games assassin's creed mark and dale

“I’ve met Charles Dicken and Alexander Graham Bell, and won a gang war.”  That sounds promising. I would play that game. Especially given how gorgeous it looks. I hope Assassins Creed Syndicate delivers. Dale will be writing his review soon, so keep an eye out for that.

Paranormal Activity: The Nope Dimension

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The best part of the movie was the popcorn

Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension Is Stupid

So readers, I’ve just returned home from seeing the sixth film in the Paranormal Activity franchise, The Ghost Dimension, and it is STAGGERINGLY BAD, but we’ll tackle that in a minute. First things first. I was a massive fan of the original Paranormal Activity. I found it original and frightening. It’s simple bare bones approach created boat loads of tension, and kept viewers wanting more. And it was all done with a $15,000 budget, and became the most profitable movie of all time (base on ROI).  Then Paramount bought the franchise for $350,000 (a fucking steal), and proceeded to piss all over it.

Money < Creativity

We got Paranormal Activity 2 which in my opinion was actually pretty decent, and Paranormal Activity 3, which was also not bad. Then the whole franchise went tits up with the dull Paranormal Activity 4 and the entirely unnecessary Paranormal Activity: the Marked Ones.

Now that we’ve gotten some of the history out of the way let’s move on to the meat of The Ghost Dimension, and be warned, spoilers follow.

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………………..last warning. No bitching.

Let’s Examine This Dumpster Fire

The movie starts off with the Fleeges; a happy husband and wife named Ryan and Emily, and their young daughter Leila. Ryan’s brother Mike, and yoga instructor, Skyler are around too but for no fucking reason other than to look hot.

Ryan and Mike discover an old camcorder in a box with a ton of tapes. You guessed it. The tapes depict the immediate aftermath of Paranormal Activity 3, and Katie and Kristi’s time with The Midwive (their grandmother (now mom’s) Devil worshipping cult).

Deus Ex Camera

This is no ordinary camera kids, this is a special camera that can capture things regular cameras cannot, including demons. The camera picks up the usual horror movie shit; sounds, objects moving on their own, and (in a nod to the Amityville Horror) Toby himself, who is apparently a slightly skeletal oil monster.

Once the Fleege family figure out they’re dealing with a demon, they call a priest in to help. Apparently their daughter,who is friends with Toby (just like Amityville), burying rosary beads and trying to burn bibles didn’t tip them off.  As what always happens in these movies, the priest tells them exactly what to do to keep the demon from growing stronger, and they, ya know, don’t listen. They’re told they need to ignore it, and try to stay calm, because the demon feeds off fear. In response to this expert advice the Fleege family scream, and run around and TRY TO FILM THE FUCKING THING.

Good Work, Guys

I swear, if I had a demon that fed off fear I would bombard that thing with so much fun, and happy shit, it would literally kill itself or just fuck off. I’m talking keggers every day, Rick and Morty marathons, orgies… people would be having so much fun in my house that demon wouldn’t be able to handle being on the same block, but movie people are stupid. I digress.

Let’s move on to the evil coven’s big plan, which has taken 6 movies to come to fruition. They need children, who are all born on the same day, month and year (6/6/6), This is so they can …wait for it… get one drop of their blood to make a body for the demon, so he can walk the earth and do some shit involving the Princes of Hell. As you have guessed by now, you clever readers you, Leila happens to have been born on that date, and the demon needs her.

Witches Be Hella Inefficient

What I don’t get is if the wtches just need a drop of blood, why did they need to murder tons of people to get it? Just stalk the kids. Kids fall, scrape themselves, and do dumb shit all the time. You don’t need covens, demon hauntings and multiple homicide to get it. Just follow them on their two wheeler.

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Daddy, why does our movie suck?

The shit doesn’t really hit the fan until the last 20 minutes of the film.  That’s right, it takes that long for shit to go down. The Fleeges attempts an exorcism, to get the demon to fuck off. It doesn’t work, and all but mommy die in the course of about 5 minutes.

Mommy follows her daughter to what I assume is the ghost dimension, where she finds her daughter, and sees that Toby has succeeded and has a body. Toby kills her, takes Leila and destroys the camera. Roll credits, bad guys win again. It’s the feel good movie of the fall.

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Movie logic.

Lies, Lies, Lies

The biggest problem in this film is how it was advertised,  They said,”You’ll finally see Toby.”They said,”all your questions will be answered.” They said, “This is the final installment.” Well I say bullshit.

You by the time the credits roll

You by the time the credits roll

The amount of threads left dangling is mind boggling, especially for a final installment.

<RANT>

What the fuck happened to Katie? She doesn’t appear AT ALL in this movie. She’s mentioned in passing as being the real estate agent who sold the Fleege’s their house (which was been built on top of her burned down childhood home). In the first film she was pivotal. It made it seem like her family, and her in particular, are a focal point of the demonic happenings.I assumed going into the Ghost Dimension that she would play a pivotal role in Toby’s end game. I was sorely disappointed.

What happened to Alex, our heroine from Paranormal Activity 4?  Despite that being the worst of the franchise I still wanted to know what happened to Alex. Last we saw her she was running with Hunter from demonically possessed Katie. Alex jumps out a window, looks up and sees a witch horde coming toward her. She turns around and is attacked by demonic Katie before the camera goes black. Ok.  We know that Toby needs to spill the blood of a virgin and she is the virgin in question, but still, show us that! Don’t assume that everybody in your audience knows that, and for those of us that do know that, show us anyway you assholes! You’re not creating art, you’re churning out product.

Who the hell was Robbie (from PA 4)? The little kid served as some kind of demonic emissary, meeting and befriending young children in order to teach them about Toby.  Then he would deliver them to the demon. What’s up with that? Oh and he also serves as a surrogate son to the possessed Katie. Why him? why doesn’t he get fed to Toby?

We also never find out what happened to little Hunter, after the events of PA 4.  I guess he just rides off into the demonic sunset. If you recall, Katie took Hunter at the end of PA2 when he’s a baby, yet at the beginning of PA4 had he been adopted by another family. Why did the demon put him up for adoption when it needed him and already had him? Did he need the tax break? It makes no sense, nor was it explained.

We also never see what happened to Jesse, who at the end of PA: The Marked Ones goes through a demon door which can transport people to any time that has heavy demonic activity, like a demonic Tardis. Jesse jumps through  while possessed and kills his best friend on the same night Katie killed her boyfriend in the first PA.  I suppose he just disappears into the demonic ether never to be heard from again.

Which brings me to my final point which is the worst offense of all.  where the fuck was Ali Rey?!?!?!  She’s the step daughter of Katie’s sister Kristi, and the step sister of Hunter. Her parents were murdered gruesomely by the demon the night possessed Katie took Hunter. Ali was on a school trip and returned home to find her parents slaughtered and her baby step brother gone,

The last time we ran into Ali was in PA: The Marked Ones, when Jesse’s friends find her contact info and talk to her about the demon.  She has tons of information and appears to have spent years hunting it, and many, including myself was hoping that in the seven years between PA:2 and The Ghost Dimension, Ali would have come up with something. She could have been the one to come in and duke it out with Toby and get a win for the good guys, finally, but instead she isn’t seen, or even mentioned and the bad guys win, as usual.

Fuck Continuity. There’s Money To Be Made

As we mentioned earlier, The Ghost Dimension also boasted a look at Toby, the demon who has been plaguing families for six movies now. Instead what we got was a weird black oil monster, some flashes of a skeletal face as it blew past people and a cheap ghostly cgi shot only included so it could pop out of the screen for those who saw the film in 3D. Boo! (the bad kind, not the scary kind)

There were a few possibilities that could have been cool. For instance Leila had been drawing pictures of a multi eyed, horned, demonic goat creature, a standard depiction of most demons. This look could have been cool. it is classic spooky and mythologically accurate. In the first PA movie, Katie’s boyfriend Micah puts down powder outside their room and awakes to taloned footprints leading into their bedroom but not out. That was awesome, and eerie.  But no. Fuck that. This version of Toby looked nothing like the three pronged talon feet seen in the first movie.

this is what they meant when they said a look at Toby?!?!?!?

this is what they meant when they said a look at Toby?!?!?!?

In the end, guys, if you’re a die hard fan of the franchise, just looking for kicks, and don’t give a shit go see the movie. Some people liked it.  People who appreciate good horror should avoid this like the plague. They promised answers, they promised a look inside the world of Toby, but in the end they provide none of it.

If this is the finale it’s a sad day for the franchise. A finale should fire on all cylinders, empty the clip, and go down in a blaze of glory. It’s an opportunity to remind fans why they loved you to begin with. Instead, the Paranormal Activity franchise went out with a whimper, limping across the finish line. It’s bullshit. It’s simply setting us up for yet another sequel, probably one that will be released directly to Blu Ray and streaming services. In fact Ghost Dimension pissed off theaters by releasing the movie on streaming services on the same day as the theater release.

</RANT>

Instead of delivering answers Ghost Dimension  simply sets up for another sequel, which I hope for simply so they can get it right. Come on PA people, hire me, I have absolutely zero experience with movies or writing or directing but hey, I still probably have more than that room full of stoned monkeys that made the Ghost Dimension, and you’re in luck, I’m super available, and I’ll work for scale.

Lighten Up, SJWs. It’s Just A Movie

jj abrams star wars

The Wisdom of Mighty Dale

The Star Wars Racism Argument Is Baloney

“Can you really blame them, guys? I think I speak for every white male when I say I wouldn’t want my daughter breeding with a stormtrooper, either. Can stormtroopers even get women pregnant? They can’t hit anything else for shit.”

Words from Mighty Dale to soothe an angry nation.

The Zombie Apocalypse Has Begun

zombie apocalypse z day

It Begins

Here We Go, Guys

HOLY SHIT IT’S HAPPENING!!!!!!!!!!!!
That’s right guys and girls the zombie apocalypse has officially kicked off. Grab your boots and baseball bats, and get ready to do some brain bashing. and I’ll see you in the apocalypse.

The Force is Strong with this One

star wars battlefront beta review

Beta Review

[NOTE: This was written when Beta was still open, and I was young, and flushed with enthusiasm. The Beta is now closed. Life is pointless.]

Guys, the Star Wars Battlefront beta is nearly closed, that’s why I felt the need to finally post my thoughts of it. To be honest, I was blown away.  The Walker Assault game mode is  the most pure fun I’ve had playing a game in some time, and I’ve already reviewed some good ones.

star wars battlefront beta at-at both attack gameplay

The AT-AT’s are incredible.

Where It’s AT-AT

In Walker Assault you will play as either the Rebel Alliance or the Galactic Empire. If you choose the rebels the mission of you and your comrades is to activate relays, in order to call in your Y-Wings to bomb the ever living fuck out of the Imperial AT-AT’s, That is no easy task. The forces of the Galactic Empire will be determined to stop you, and the Empire will bring all their forces to bear on the rebel scum (yes, you will find yourself shouting that at your TV screen way more than you want to). These forces include AT-AT walkers, AT-ST’s, Tie fighters, Tie Fighter Interceptors and occasionally Lord Vader himself.

The most fun thing about Walker Assault is the fact that it is pure and utter anarchy. When you drop in, especially as an Imperial Storm Trooper, you find yourself in the snow staring up at a lumbering AT-AT, which looks ENORMOUS. When you finally get into the fight it’s mayhem. Think of the Omaha Beach scene in Saving Private Ryan. Like that.

Now one great thing about Battlefront is the use of vehicles. it gives the battle a potent sense of danger when you look around and see AT-AT’s firing their cannons, calling in orbital strikes… blaster fire is flying all over the place, tie fighters and X-wings are strafing and bombing the battle field, and chasing each other around, and crashing inches away from you. It certainly makes you feel like you are neck deep in a raging battle.

But Wait, There’s More

The experience is made even better by being able to pickup special objects and power ups. Whether it be a mounted machine gun blaster, an imploding grenade or a hero pickup, it certainly makes the game brim with possibilities. Especially the hero pickups. When you snag your first one, and are able to take control of either Luke Skywalker, or Darth Vader, the feeling is exhilarating. You run around with your lightsaber blocking blaster shots and watching your enemies fearfully try to escape you before you force choke their ass, while lifting their soon to be lifeless meat bag into the air,. All the while you probably laugh maniacally and terrify your neighbors. Maybe that’s why my neighbors never speak to me. The heroes are tough and it takes team work to take one down, but goddamn being one is fun.

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Gamers, I give you, your oh shit moment

Now, the other game modes are ok. The defend the pod multiplayer, and the survival mode, are good,  but really the Walker Assault game mode is the strongest aspect of this game.

November 17 Release

I can’t wait for the full game to come out! I can’t wait to pick it up and play some of the single player battles, and play more of the Walker Assault game mode on other planets, and in different environments. Judging by what I saw this game should be in every collection, and every kid’s Christmas list this year. it’s fun as hell and intense as hell, enjoy boys and girls and in the heat of battle remember:

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Hello Darkness my old Friend

Image courtesy of Laura Nickelle

Image courtesy of Laura Nickelle

Supernatural Season 11

Darkness Darkness

Ladies and gentleman, Supernatural is back, and damn does it feel good. This is one of my favorite times of year. NYC is beautiful in fall, the weather gets nice and cool, the NHL season starts and epic weeks of TV return.

So, we last saw Sam and Dean sitting in their impala waiting to get engulfed by The Darkness, who inexplicably winds up being a hot woman. She sweeps Dean away to safety, giving Sam the shaft. Overall this episode felt like good, old school Supernatural, which is great because the last few seasons have been catering to the tween crowd. This gave it epic ratings, but dumbed it down immensely.

Fear not,  even the coveted humor returned in the Season 11 premiere.  Supernatural has always done humor so well, especially during the Ben Edlund (The Tick) years. Naturally there were some weak elements, Cas’s story line never really landed, but for the most part this felt like a return to form for the once great show.

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Let’s talk about some of the aspects that made this episode great. Crowley smoking out and into the body of a kinky woman just before an orgy was hilarious, especially since he didn’t call for help from his fellow demons until after the orgy.  We all knew he wasn’t going to stay in that female meat suit forever. Eric Kripke and company would never risk losing the brilliant Mark Sheppard. Catching up with Crowley is always fun but he usually seems to be one step ahead of everybody so it was fun to the king of hell so out of sorts.

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Me too, Crowley. Me too.

The Winchester Boys

The big triumph in this episode was Sam and Dean’s arc. Those two have been keeping secrets, and fucking one another over, for a few years now. This has resulted in a sharp decline in the quality of the show (that and catering to fangirls who think the boys are super dreamy), but now they seem to be more or less on the same page.

The Winchesters work best as a team, and when they coordinate there are very few situations they can’t handle. The most satisfying thing was Sam and Dean’s moment of clarity about how they’ve been behaving. Those of us that remember the good old days of this show remember that they would always try to help people, whether that be exorcising demons from the possessed or locking up people with supernatural afflictions, until they could figure out how to fix it.

When did we forget how to do this?

They lost sight of that goal in recent years and began to, as Sam said, “shoot first and ask questions later, if at all.” This was a huge step for the show, and a step in the right direction. and it gets back some of the mojo.

Sam asks Dean, “When did we forget how to do this?” For a show that does meta so well this was clearly not just a question posed within the show,  but also a statement from the writers and show runners. It was a tacit admission that somewhere along the road so far they took a wrong turn, lost their way and dragged us all along with them. But guys, for those of us who stuck it out and tried our best to enjoy the ride, this might just be a signal of the turning of the tide, a clock spinning backwards to the good old times.

Bigger Brothers

Lucifer and Michael were mentioned, warning their supernatural ilk of the danger that is the Darkness, from their cage. These two were the only ones on the show who were around during the war between God and The Darkness, and could provide valuable information about it/her.  Not without being released from the cage first, so the stakes are as high as this show gets.

IMO, their best season was season 5, involving both Michael and Lucifer, so hopefully these two will be put into play further down the line, Lucifer can provide a certain mental trauma for Sam, as Sam was locked in the cage with Lucifer, and Dean and Michael are no fans of one another, but watching an uneasy alliance to fight The Darkness could prove to be a ton of fun and weave some great stories for this show going forward.