Gaze Into The Abyss – No Good TV Until January

december sucks for tv

Slim Pickins Until Late January

December is a TV Graveyard

There is no hope. You know it. I know it. Mighty Dale knows it. The only force moving my fingers on this keyboard is duty. I must use my remaining strength to leave a message to those that follow, those who have the fortitude to last until late January for shows like:

    • Supernatural
    • The Walking Dead
    • The Flash
    • Arrow

It Gets Worse

The shows above have abandoned us, but they will return, like Papa after a long bender. They’ll be back with fried chicken and a movie from Redbox. Some, however, are like mama. They just left with only a nicotine stained kiss that you barely remember, because you were asleep. Here are the fuckers who just bailed.

    • You’re The Worst – Season 2 is over.
    • South Park – Season 19 is over.

Sunbeams are just God pissing on us all

The most despicable of all teasing whores is yet to come. Game of Thrones, that hot girl who lived with you for a few weeks last year, and  was the filthiest, sluttiest, dirty talkingest chick in the whole world. Where every night was a threesome with her even hotter friend? Yeah. Then she bounced with your Xbox and your brother’s ashes…. yeah. That’s Game of Thrones. That bitch will be back in April. Right after you can look yourself in the mirror again and say that it’s gonna be ok. She’ll be back and she’ll pierce your dick with her vampire fangs, and you’ll love it.

I know there’s one episode of Z Nation left, but that’s like having one beer in the fridge. Ash vs Evil Dead can’t do it alone, even though it’s great. It’s only half an hour long, and once a week. That’s like …. I can’t even come up with a simile. It’s not enough. It just isn’t. I’m going to start listening to Adele I guess. Fuck it.

Might as well just watch NCIS, or JAG, or … shit I don’t know. Cooking shows, I guess. There’s a shit load of them. That big headed chick with the tits is hot… I guess…. I’m going to lay down for a awhile. Wake me next month.

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The Walking Dead: Attics Exist

walking dead sam finale review zombies

So Many Dumb Things

I love the Walking Dead. I’m glad Glenn is alive. I really am. I think it’s awesome that the wall has been breached. That is a great plot point. It provides a nice nail biter to wrap up the (totally bullshit, and unnecessary) mid season finale.

Now let’s get into the meat of the episode, and why I think it was pretty lame.

Zombies

The number of zombies surrounding the town doesn’t seem insurmountable to me. They could pick off 50 a day, every day, and whittle them down, without all the horrible existential crises the residents endure. They did it at the prison, all day, every day. Granted the perimeter was much smaller but the concept is the same. Until the wall is breached, they have nothing but time and relative safety.

Houses

The houses are, apparently, adequate shelter when the wall is breached. That is until teen angst fucks everything up. That fight was kind of stilted, and of course they break the window on the door. Until that point, everyone in a house is safe, because the zombies don’t know they’re there.

Why don’t people have contingencies for this? Rick’s been there long enough to cobble together a plan to either secure one room per house, or… have a plan to wreck the stairs so that people can safely chill upstairs if their home is breached. That’s Zombie 101. It’s in the Zombie Survival Guide.

Attics Exist

Staircases and safe rooms aside… what the fuck about attics? These homes may not have good old fashioned, haunted house style attics, but they surely have a storage space accessible through a hole in the ceiling. You probably have one wherever you’re reading this. Look up. If zombies came in, you could get up there and be 100% safe until shit died down.

Why the fuck didn’t Rick do that with the kids? Pop Sam (the loose cannon), Carl, and Judith, up in the crawlspace? Carl would be up there to take care of the other two, because Carl can handle shit if things go South. Zombies can’t climb. That’s a better tactical decision than putting a guaranteed failure into your escape plan.

BUT NO

Instead they bring a baby and a crazy kid, who can’t function (he never shut off the goddamn record) out into the zombies. ALSO… the gore is effective, but it’s hardly ever used. Think of all the situations the gore would have been handy in. It feels like a Deus Ex Machina, when there doesn’t need to be one. Besides they just used a deus ex machina with Glenn, the week before. It feels cheap.

We are forced to endure this.

stewie family guy sam walking dead

Really? Sloppy as fuck.

All because kids in danger raise the anxiety level for viewers. It’s cheap and poorly done, in my opinion. It’s so unnecessary. Throw the kids in the attic. That’s what Rick & Co. would have done. Rick’s not going to throw his baby under a stinky tarp and traipse out to zombie village. Of course he wouldn’t. It’s stupid. The whole situation is false and forced because it makes for “better tv”.  Bullshit. It’s a hack move.

Oh, and Sam?

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