Supernatural – Golden Girls And Dick Jokes

golden girls humor supernatural winchester mildred

Let’s get that poncho off and start oiling the old glove.

Supernatural Review

Into The Mystic

Mildred. Her name was Mildred. She was a sunny, sexy, senior in Oak Park Retirement Home. Although her name implies that she is a Confederate widow of dour countenance, she is actually pretty and sparkly, and totally doable. Ah, Mildred. Dean should have given you the old Blanche Deveraux (which is 2 parts Blanche DuBois to 1 part Vivian Vance). That may not make sense, but neither does Supernatural. If you get anywhere near it with a critical eye, you immediately start bashing your head against the wall, like the victims in tonight’s episode </segue> which is entitled “Into The Mystic” because, fuck it… Van Morrison is Irish, kinda, and banshees are Irish, or Scottish… whatever. I digress.

supernatural viagra banshee dean joke

Agent Osbourne tells a dick joke.

Agents Osbourne and Butler

The monster of this week is a Banshee. Check your Supernatural bingo card, and if you have Banshee, you win a nonexistent toaster (one winner per household. No habla Sumerian). The episode opens on the Irish moor of yore (30 years yore anyway), where we see a young father of a baby doting upon same.
Door opens mom comes home, happy family, dancing, laughing… banshee. Dad hears a terrible shrieking sound (no, not Metal Machine Music, although nice reference), loses his shit, bashes his head against the wall, while mom books it to the kitchen, where she earnestly gathers a bunch of things that will be used to banish the Banshee. Bansheegone. Banishes banshees beautifully. Buy some now.
Mom isn’t quick enough, Dad dies of self inflicted cranial trauma, and a scary floaty witchy specter appears, and starts consuming dad’s braaaaaaains. Mom finally gets all the shit for the spell, and proceeds to open her arm and bleed out, when all she needed to was slice her palm. Bad judgement in the heat of the moment. She somehow bleeds out in moments, even though that’s not what would happen in real… no no we don’t do that. Anyway, banshee is banished in a flash, dad’s dead and mom dies shortly thereafter. Baby cries, bereft of family. An orphan. And, scene.

30 Years Later

Sam is moping around the bunker, consumed with guilt over not trying to save Dean when he was trapped in Purgatory. Remember that with the vampire from the Bi-you?

Lucifer got in Sam’s head and Dean tries to distract Sam with a case. Luckily there’s one only 15 minutes away. Lucifer ex Machina, indeed.

So detectives Osbourne and Butler (Black Sabbath reference) go to the nicest old folks home in the world, to investigate a possible monster.

Upon arrival at the retirement home the boys upgrade the possible monster to definite banshee.

The victim (Harold) was in a locked room and bashed his own brains out, while screaming, “Get it out of my head!”

No, he wasn’t talking about Ice Ice Baby (although that’s now in your head). The sinister banshee emits a shriek that’s only heard by the intended victim. We learned this when the banshee took her next victim, the manager of the retirement home. He was speaking with the GMILF-y Mildred when he did the old, “Get it out of my head” bit before smashing through a window, and falling to his death. Mildred saw the banshee feed upon the brains of the decedent.  Banshee looks up and sees Mildred. Uh oh. Now we know who’s next.

supernatural tv show review banshee sam and deaf hunter

Gotcha, Motherfucker (but not quite as distinct)

A Nice Choice

While investigating the death of Andrew (the second guy who died) Sam interviews Marlene, a maid who is deaf. Why does that matter? It doesn’t really, but it’s a cool direction for the show to take. Turns out (spoiler) she’s a hunter. In fact she’s the baby in the crib at the start of the show (from 30 years ago). The banshee made her deaf, but she was rescued by an Irish hunter, who raised her, and trained her in the ways of hunting. She’s down a major sense and she still kicks ass. Turns out (while chatting w/ Sam) that her late grandfather was a Man of Letters, which makes her a Legacy.  Very cool. Could they be setting up the groundwork for a spin off?

Now we have three hunters on the case. You may notice that Marlene is wielding a gold blade (she’s threatening Sam because she thought he and Dean were Banshees due to lip reading and context). That’s what kills banshees. In this scene Dean has popped back to the bunker to get some gold blades. While he’s there he runs into….

castiel lucifer dean men of letters bunker amara darkness

Oh Dean, Casifer is gonna use you to get Amara.

Casifer Rising

Castiel, who is possessed by Lucifer (we’ll call them Casifer), is at the Men of Letters bunker looking for clues on how to tackle the Darkness, because he obviously has no idea. I love Cas playing Lucifer playing Cas. I got bored with Castiel seasons ago, but this is great.

Dean confides to Casifer that he is drawn to Amara and the pull is getting stronger. Casifer files that tidbit away in his “Use this to screw Dean over” folder, and then we’re back to the banshee jamboree. As stays behind.

Dean is introduced to Marlene (it’s not her real name but I couldn’t quite hear it so Marlene it is) and then he, Marlene, and Sam work to protect Mildred from the impending Banshee. The girls objectify the boys in a way that if that tables were turned, all the SJWs on Tumblr would explode and coat the earth with self righteous slime. Anyhow, the girls think the boys are cute. Mildred openly comes on to Dean, who begs off. Why? Because he’s decent? No. Mildred susses it out. It’s because he’s SMITTEN with the DARKNESS. This is known as foreshadowing. It means you cast four shadows, like if you were on Tatooine (nerd rage in 3,2,1…)

The banshee comes but…. it’s Dean who is the target! Chaos, bleeding eyes, “get it out of my head”, smash smash.. then…. teamwork as Mildred uses her blood to charge the sigil which binds the banshee. Banshee gets ganked by Marlene, and scene.

Takeaways

There are a few things that were revealed/alluded to in this episode that bear closer examination.

  • Dean is increasingly drawn to Amara, not unlike the call of the Mark of Cain from last season. He’s gonna bounce soon. Probably in time for the cliffhanger season finale.
  • Casifer is fishing for ways to deal with Amara. Not because he is true to his word, but because if she destroys everything, that will include him. Casifer will use Dean somehow to draw out Amara.
  • There are now 3 legacy Men of Letters. I bet there are talks about a spinoff regarding the MoL, or at least they’re testing the waters.
  • Only you can prevent forest fires, so stop starting forest fires.
  • This joke (below)
supernatural dean winchester

Nicely done, Dean.

I really liked this episode, from the dick joke, to the deaf hunter, to sweet ass Mildred, to Casifer. It worked the way it should. No Crowley, Rowena, Angels, Heaven, any of that tired old noise. Just the brothers fighting monsters. And Casifer doing his thing. Good times. Can’t wait for next week.

Paranormal Activity: The Nope Dimension

paranormal-activity-ghost-dimension

The best part of the movie was the popcorn

Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension Is Stupid

So readers, I’ve just returned home from seeing the sixth film in the Paranormal Activity franchise, The Ghost Dimension, and it is STAGGERINGLY BAD, but we’ll tackle that in a minute. First things first. I was a massive fan of the original Paranormal Activity. I found it original and frightening. It’s simple bare bones approach created boat loads of tension, and kept viewers wanting more. And it was all done with a $15,000 budget, and became the most profitable movie of all time (base on ROI).  Then Paramount bought the franchise for $350,000 (a fucking steal), and proceeded to piss all over it.

Money < Creativity

We got Paranormal Activity 2 which in my opinion was actually pretty decent, and Paranormal Activity 3, which was also not bad. Then the whole franchise went tits up with the dull Paranormal Activity 4 and the entirely unnecessary Paranormal Activity: the Marked Ones.

Now that we’ve gotten some of the history out of the way let’s move on to the meat of The Ghost Dimension, and be warned, spoilers follow.

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………………..last warning. No bitching.

Let’s Examine This Dumpster Fire

The movie starts off with the Fleeges; a happy husband and wife named Ryan and Emily, and their young daughter Leila. Ryan’s brother Mike, and yoga instructor, Skyler are around too but for no fucking reason other than to look hot.

Ryan and Mike discover an old camcorder in a box with a ton of tapes. You guessed it. The tapes depict the immediate aftermath of Paranormal Activity 3, and Katie and Kristi’s time with The Midwive (their grandmother (now mom’s) Devil worshipping cult).

Deus Ex Camera

This is no ordinary camera kids, this is a special camera that can capture things regular cameras cannot, including demons. The camera picks up the usual horror movie shit; sounds, objects moving on their own, and (in a nod to the Amityville Horror) Toby himself, who is apparently a slightly skeletal oil monster.

Once the Fleege family figure out they’re dealing with a demon, they call a priest in to help. Apparently their daughter,who is friends with Toby (just like Amityville), burying rosary beads and trying to burn bibles didn’t tip them off.  As what always happens in these movies, the priest tells them exactly what to do to keep the demon from growing stronger, and they, ya know, don’t listen. They’re told they need to ignore it, and try to stay calm, because the demon feeds off fear. In response to this expert advice the Fleege family scream, and run around and TRY TO FILM THE FUCKING THING.

Good Work, Guys

I swear, if I had a demon that fed off fear I would bombard that thing with so much fun, and happy shit, it would literally kill itself or just fuck off. I’m talking keggers every day, Rick and Morty marathons, orgies… people would be having so much fun in my house that demon wouldn’t be able to handle being on the same block, but movie people are stupid. I digress.

Let’s move on to the evil coven’s big plan, which has taken 6 movies to come to fruition. They need children, who are all born on the same day, month and year (6/6/6), This is so they can …wait for it… get one drop of their blood to make a body for the demon, so he can walk the earth and do some shit involving the Princes of Hell. As you have guessed by now, you clever readers you, Leila happens to have been born on that date, and the demon needs her.

Witches Be Hella Inefficient

What I don’t get is if the wtches just need a drop of blood, why did they need to murder tons of people to get it? Just stalk the kids. Kids fall, scrape themselves, and do dumb shit all the time. You don’t need covens, demon hauntings and multiple homicide to get it. Just follow them on their two wheeler.

scary movie review ghost dimension

Daddy, why does our movie suck?

The shit doesn’t really hit the fan until the last 20 minutes of the film.  That’s right, it takes that long for shit to go down. The Fleeges attempts an exorcism, to get the demon to fuck off. It doesn’t work, and all but mommy die in the course of about 5 minutes.

Mommy follows her daughter to what I assume is the ghost dimension, where she finds her daughter, and sees that Toby has succeeded and has a body. Toby kills her, takes Leila and destroys the camera. Roll credits, bad guys win again. It’s the feel good movie of the fall.

dark helmet spaceballs

Movie logic.

Lies, Lies, Lies

The biggest problem in this film is how it was advertised,  They said,”You’ll finally see Toby.”They said,”all your questions will be answered.” They said, “This is the final installment.” Well I say bullshit.

You by the time the credits roll

You by the time the credits roll

The amount of threads left dangling is mind boggling, especially for a final installment.

<RANT>

What the fuck happened to Katie? She doesn’t appear AT ALL in this movie. She’s mentioned in passing as being the real estate agent who sold the Fleege’s their house (which was been built on top of her burned down childhood home). In the first film she was pivotal. It made it seem like her family, and her in particular, are a focal point of the demonic happenings.I assumed going into the Ghost Dimension that she would play a pivotal role in Toby’s end game. I was sorely disappointed.

What happened to Alex, our heroine from Paranormal Activity 4?  Despite that being the worst of the franchise I still wanted to know what happened to Alex. Last we saw her she was running with Hunter from demonically possessed Katie. Alex jumps out a window, looks up and sees a witch horde coming toward her. She turns around and is attacked by demonic Katie before the camera goes black. Ok.  We know that Toby needs to spill the blood of a virgin and she is the virgin in question, but still, show us that! Don’t assume that everybody in your audience knows that, and for those of us that do know that, show us anyway you assholes! You’re not creating art, you’re churning out product.

Who the hell was Robbie (from PA 4)? The little kid served as some kind of demonic emissary, meeting and befriending young children in order to teach them about Toby.  Then he would deliver them to the demon. What’s up with that? Oh and he also serves as a surrogate son to the possessed Katie. Why him? why doesn’t he get fed to Toby?

We also never find out what happened to little Hunter, after the events of PA 4.  I guess he just rides off into the demonic sunset. If you recall, Katie took Hunter at the end of PA2 when he’s a baby, yet at the beginning of PA4 had he been adopted by another family. Why did the demon put him up for adoption when it needed him and already had him? Did he need the tax break? It makes no sense, nor was it explained.

We also never see what happened to Jesse, who at the end of PA: The Marked Ones goes through a demon door which can transport people to any time that has heavy demonic activity, like a demonic Tardis. Jesse jumps through  while possessed and kills his best friend on the same night Katie killed her boyfriend in the first PA.  I suppose he just disappears into the demonic ether never to be heard from again.

Which brings me to my final point which is the worst offense of all.  where the fuck was Ali Rey?!?!?!  She’s the step daughter of Katie’s sister Kristi, and the step sister of Hunter. Her parents were murdered gruesomely by the demon the night possessed Katie took Hunter. Ali was on a school trip and returned home to find her parents slaughtered and her baby step brother gone,

The last time we ran into Ali was in PA: The Marked Ones, when Jesse’s friends find her contact info and talk to her about the demon.  She has tons of information and appears to have spent years hunting it, and many, including myself was hoping that in the seven years between PA:2 and The Ghost Dimension, Ali would have come up with something. She could have been the one to come in and duke it out with Toby and get a win for the good guys, finally, but instead she isn’t seen, or even mentioned and the bad guys win, as usual.

Fuck Continuity. There’s Money To Be Made

As we mentioned earlier, The Ghost Dimension also boasted a look at Toby, the demon who has been plaguing families for six movies now. Instead what we got was a weird black oil monster, some flashes of a skeletal face as it blew past people and a cheap ghostly cgi shot only included so it could pop out of the screen for those who saw the film in 3D. Boo! (the bad kind, not the scary kind)

There were a few possibilities that could have been cool. For instance Leila had been drawing pictures of a multi eyed, horned, demonic goat creature, a standard depiction of most demons. This look could have been cool. it is classic spooky and mythologically accurate. In the first PA movie, Katie’s boyfriend Micah puts down powder outside their room and awakes to taloned footprints leading into their bedroom but not out. That was awesome, and eerie.  But no. Fuck that. This version of Toby looked nothing like the three pronged talon feet seen in the first movie.

this is what they meant when they said a look at Toby?!?!?!?

this is what they meant when they said a look at Toby?!?!?!?

In the end, guys, if you’re a die hard fan of the franchise, just looking for kicks, and don’t give a shit go see the movie. Some people liked it.  People who appreciate good horror should avoid this like the plague. They promised answers, they promised a look inside the world of Toby, but in the end they provide none of it.

If this is the finale it’s a sad day for the franchise. A finale should fire on all cylinders, empty the clip, and go down in a blaze of glory. It’s an opportunity to remind fans why they loved you to begin with. Instead, the Paranormal Activity franchise went out with a whimper, limping across the finish line. It’s bullshit. It’s simply setting us up for yet another sequel, probably one that will be released directly to Blu Ray and streaming services. In fact Ghost Dimension pissed off theaters by releasing the movie on streaming services on the same day as the theater release.

</RANT>

Instead of delivering answers Ghost Dimension  simply sets up for another sequel, which I hope for simply so they can get it right. Come on PA people, hire me, I have absolutely zero experience with movies or writing or directing but hey, I still probably have more than that room full of stoned monkeys that made the Ghost Dimension, and you’re in luck, I’m super available, and I’ll work for scale.